Thursday, September 11, 2008

In a Concrete Random World...

For my Concrete Random child – because he may one day wonder - or maybe he already does…
For those of you with whom I discuss my frustrations, inadequacies and failures to train and love him in a worthy manner and may also wonder…

For myself - to remind me that I actually do love and appreciate him very very much…

Dear son,
I seldom appreciate your creativity [randomness/unpredictability] on the spot…

But 2 days (or 2 months) later it is almost always is hilarious.

Like when you bit a hole in the toothpaste tube last night and left toothpaste footprints all the way from the lid of the loo to the kitchen floor – oh and I still tasted it in your hair this morning when I kissed your head. Remember I lectured you yesterday (after another toothpaste party) about not touching the tube (ever again). I did not realize that in your mind biting is a whole different action and thus permissible. (I'll have to be more specific.)

I didn’t really want a bold red permanent marker worm on our wooden peg-board, and told you so in no kind terms, but after hearing your explanation and expression of love behind your randomness, I now love it. (But one worm is enough, ok?)

Sticking your muddy toes into Martin’s mouth was, well, infuriating. I understand now, that because you love Martin, you only wanted to share your joy with him – you did so enjoy the feeling of it squishing through your toes and thought that he would also – through his teeth (which he does not have yet). Your love towards him, I have noticed, is truly genuine.

Poking holes in my tablecloth with a fork and inviting a brother to join in was not funny at all. I was mad. You saw some humor that evaded me, for you could not wipe the smile off your face even in the midst of paternal reproach. It was like sniggering in church: you just can't hold it in how ever hard you try. I looked at that hole today, remembered your face and bizarrely got the giggles also. But please, your fork must under all circumstances be either on your plate or in your mouth. (I hope that is specific enough...)

And when you yanked the knitting needle out of a friend’s evolving masterpiece, dropped all her stitches and proceeded to cut her yarn into a million pieces… Oh I wanted the earth to swallow me – and you, and leave you there. I marvel now at the speed with which you can make things happen…for better or for worse. In years to come we may all appreciate your skill.

So the banana peel you planted on your brother’s head was actually pretty funny. I am sorry that I was too dazed so early in the morning to acknowledge the humor. Had I taken the time to chuckle, even the victim’s complaints would have dissolved into laughter.

(It is hard to believe that most of this happened within 24 hours. Then again, why would that be hard to believe? Yours is a concrete random world. How I fit into it is the mystery...)

I had no words to guide you during discipline today. (I'll spare you the details of the offense. But I was fuming.) I sat on the bed staring blankly into nowhere – at first lost in me usual desperate prayer: “HELP!" But somehow I soon digressed to wondering and wandering aimlessly, angrily and frantically in my thoughts. I was startled back to reality by an act of sincere random love: you carefully crept closer and unexpectedly propelled yourself into my lap, knocking me over (literally and figuratively) while declaring your unreserved love and thanking me from the bottom of your heart for being the very best mom you have ever had!

Well, since I’m the only one you’ve ever had, you probably don’t know what you’re missing, but I would say that my “HELP!”-prayer was answered today in a very concrete random way.

I suspect one of your callings in life is Operation Mamma's Sanctification - and what a kind and delicious way of being made holy! You are indeed the very best YOU that I have ever had. And I do look forward to our journey together (though some days I forget to say it... or even think it... and yes, I may even deny it if asked). May we both continue to grow in understanding, love and grace!

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